How To Pull A Successful All-Nighter

Most of us have pulled an all-nighter at some point in our lives. For those who haven't, you haven't lived.

Usually a thesis or test in another 8 hours are to blame. Those nights when you realise the impending doom that will occur when the sun rises.

But now you can put your days of despair behind you! Here's how:

1. Slap yourself.

Really hard. On the face.

You're a procrastinator. You're really good at procrastinating.

Slap that face again. And if you're a girl, slap dat ass.

Maybe it'll wake you up. Or maybe, it'll remind you to start earlier.

2. Have a drink.

You deserve it. All those hours spent watching cats on YouTube have really taken a toll on your body. It's time to refuel for the big night ahead.

Go get some coffee or tea, but don't overdo it.

Avoid Red Bulls. They're for losers.

3. Eat something.

Go for a midnight gobble (innuendo) if you're feeling hungry.

Eat foods with complex carbohydrates because they'll give you energy over a longer period of time like oats.

Sandwiches are pretty good too, so all you girls know what to do.

Don't go off doing anything ridiculous like cooking a three-course meal.

4. Listen to music.

Avoid music with lyrics. Stick to instrumentals with a strong but fast bass. Blast it on your headphones. You don't want to be waking everyone up.

And please, avoid Miley Cyrus. Forever.

Clearly a musical genius.

5. Keep the lights on.

Some of us study under a single table lamp. Hopefully none of us study under candlelight or even worse, moonlight.

You need a good amount of light otherwise you'll be reminded of where you should be: in bed.

6. Don't text your friend.

If it's your friend that's bombarding you with text messages, chances are they're equally as screwed as you are.

Engage in conversation if it's relevant to work, but don't go off to discuss the mysteries of the universe either.

7. Don't Google "how to pull an all-nighter".

You'll end up reading about what you should be doing, when really what you should be doing is studying.

8. Man up.

Harden up. Like Metapod.

You will pull this all-nighter.

Give yourself a pep talk. Tell yourself that the fate of the human race rests on your shoulders.

Your number has been called. Your time is now.

No pressure of course!

The Eight Friends You'll Make At University

Friends are a big part of uni life, and these are

The Eight Friends You'll Make At University

1. The Nerd.

This friend doesn't fluff around. Always studying, uni IS their life.

Nothing is more important. Not even fixing that bowl cut.

The culprit.

The victim.

2. The Model Wannabe.
This friend is hard to miss. It's not that you can't find them, but somehow they're always in your face.

On Facebook, they're the ones posting pictures of themselves posing half naked or covered in makeup.

When a guy wears makeup...

3. The Nice One.
You've always thought that you were nice. You had no idea. This friend makes you look like a badass. Help is never too far away.

Quiet and reserved, they are the most underrated friends you'll ever have.

4. The Gym Junkie.
This friend claims not to take steroids, but you've got different opinions.

The other week when you were at their house, you found a pile of needles on the table labelled:

STEROIDS

Then you remembered it was April 1st.

Clearly Ronnie Coleman in a gorilla suit.

 
5. The Lovey-Dovey One.
This friend is in a relationship. Of course, you don't need to be told that. You are reminded every second you're with them.

Where's that bucket? You're about to throw up.

6. The "Super Social" One.
You don't even know if this "friend" considers you as a friend or just another number on Facebook.

While this friend likes to organise social events and invite everyone, ironically, they'll only hang out with their own circle of friends.

Classic Wonka.

 
7. The Geek.
Geeks are not nerds, so don't get confused. This friend loves computer games, the latest gadgets and pretty much anything that runs on electricity.

Geeks love making friends too. Especially the online variety.

"I have plenty of Elven dwarf friends online."

8. The Troll.
This friend may as well not be a friend at all. You can't tell if they're laughing at your joke or at you. They have an extremely sketchy smile.

Sometimes it's hard to have a conversation with this friend, but deep down you know that even the biggest trolls are just misunderstood douches.

---

Did I miss one of your friends? Tell me in the comments below!

Girls Are Like Movies

Girls are strange creatures.

They're a complex species. Difficult to understand.

They possess skills and talents that their male counterparts do not. I have heard extraordinary stories of girls teleporting between shops at the mall, multitasking and even not farting. How crazy is that?!

Multitasking right from the start.

Despite the incredible rumours, from my very extensive two minute study on the natural habitat and behaviour of the human female, I've come to discover one thing.

Girls are like movies.

The types of movies you like has a strong correlation to the types of girls you like. See for yourself!

The movies you like are:

1. Blockbusters.

You like a girl who is very social. She tends to hang out with her girlfriends a little too much. You suspect that she is a lesbian. She is perfect.

Yellow eyes? Must be jaundice.

2. Comedies.

You like a girl who has a colourful personality. She is probably hyperactive. She is perfect.

3. Science fictions.

You like a girl who is a little geeky. She enjoys talking about her favourite movies and loves being quizzed on them. She is perfect.

4. Fantasy fictions.
You like a girl who daydreams about strange things. She is a bookworm by choice and has read New Moon more than twenty times. She is perfect.

5. Oscar-winning.
You like a girl who excels at everything. She is very competitive and hates losing. She is perfect.

6. Dramatic.

You like a girl who is more reserved in nature. She is probably a hopeless romantic. She is perfect.

7. Indie.

You like a girl who doesn't follow the mainstream. She is artistic and loves the creative side of life. She is perfect.

8. Action-packed with a million explosions.

You like a girl who is active and sporty. She often watches actions movies just for the male star. You will probably be cheated on. She is perfect.

Cool guys don't look at explosions.

9. Thrillers.

You like a girl who loves a little danger in her life. She loves to be excited by something scary. She is perfect.

10. Family-friendly.

You like a girl who loves her family. She is sociable and enjoys making new friends. She is perfect.

Shutter Island is family-friendly. Just ignore the creepy old lady.

11. Romantic.

You like a girl who believes that having a boyfriend is the most important thing in life. She is wrong. She is perfect.

12. Absolutely horrifying.

You like a girl who is bold in nature. She probably studies a science course. She is perfect.

(Not really :P)

Greatest horror film of all time.

Finding The Perfect Car With Ian

Whether you're looking to purchase your first car or upgrade crap-on-wheels, there are some things you should know.

Understand that finding the perfect car is like finding the soulmate who you will cherish until the world ends (this year), so don't be surprised that if you can't find a car, you'll be single for the rest of your life.

Happy Valentine's Day, anyone?

Let's get to it!

1. Spending big for a better car.
Go to any supermarket. Nobody buys this stuff:

Because it looks dodgy!

With cars though, spending less is usually a good thing. You just need the basics. There's no point for sporty styling if your car looks like a beetle.

Volkswagen Beetle. Where's the pesticide?

2. Size matters.

A big one might seem masculine, but it's no good if you can't use it properly. Doesn't exactly help either that big ones don't last long before they're out of juice and out of action.

Females love 'em small. They're agile, stimulating and plow on for hours.

Now let's talk about cars...

3. Size matters (part 2).
Big cars are not as masculine as you think. Sure, some people are gonna think you've got a big d*ck, but it's not the one down there...it's the one on your head!

Bogan heaven. Avoid.

Big cars use more petrol and emit more CO2 which is bad for you and the environment. There are better, smaller cars.

By all means get a big car if you have many children, but I've heard riding on car roofs is fun.

4. Can it transform?
If Sam Witwicky is allowed to have a transforming car, so should you.

Sadly the Camaro isn't sold in Australia, otherwise I'd be the first to buy one!

Everything Bumblebee, minus Bumblebee.

 
5. The right match.
People are quick to judge, so it's no surprise that you should pick a car that suits your personality.

People who watch too many James Bond movies should have one of these:

*insert posh accent here*

Astronauts are best suited with one of these:

Wheels from...out of this world! Ho ho.

But first you'll need one of these...to get your feet off the ground!

Classic crackers for the dinner table.

Strange old men who give free candy to children drive one thing.

The obvious choice...for the police.

My final words of advice comes from the movie Transformers:

"A driver doesn't pick the car. The car picks the driver."

Buying Presents

So Christmas is finally over, I hope everyone had an awesome time and a great start to the new year :)

I was at the shops a few days before Christmas.

It was a nightmare, as shopping usually is. I guess you could say I'm not exactly "gifted" at shopping. Ho ho ho.

Happy shopping defies logic if you're a guy.

So my friend and I are at the shops and he says to me: "You gonna buy her a present?"

"Sure" I say. "But I don't know what I'll get her yet".

"You should get something that matches her personality" he says.

I think about it for a moment.

The present you get someone is actually really important, whether it's for a family member, friend or interest.

Like what if I bought her "luxurious soap" or whatever it is they've got in the beauty department at David Jones?

Are beautiful soaps for beautiful girls or for ugly girls who want to be beautiful?

I reckon most guys will buy that kind of thing for pretty girls. They want to make her feel and look beautiful. And isn't that how they've set themselves up for disaster?

I know exactly what's gonna happen to a guy who has made this mistake.

Come Christmas day.

He'll be holding his exquisite present for this girl he really likes. He'll have rehearsed a couple of lines before going over to her. And she'll be dressed up, looking all pretty or whatever.

He'll take a deep breath and confidently approach her.

You know, do the masculine thing.

"Merry Christmas!" he'll say "I got a little something for you. You're gonna love it."

And she'll be all like "Oh wow, that's so sweet of you! You're so amazing! And adorable! And cute! You're the best!"

No doubt he'll be expecting a kiss at this point. But he won't get it.

Instead, she'll run off with some "hot" guy in the corner who'll be completely surrounded with girls and got her a sparkly purple dildo for Christmas.

Let's be honest. He just gave her a banana. That's all he's good for.

Our man over here however, will be unsurprisingly shattered. Broken to bits. His hopes dashed. His dreams wrecked.

One day he'll say to his friend: "You should get something that matches her personality.

Get her a kitten. 'Cause she only goes out with pussies."

Follow me on Twitter!
http://twitter.com/heychangy

Blogging With Ian

Blogging isn't rocket surgery. 

But for a lot of people, it seems like unknown territory. Some of you guys have even asked me what it's like to blog and why I do it.

So as a Christmas treat for y'all, I'll answer some questions :D

~

Q: Where do you find ideas for your blog?

A: Usually under my bed. Never doubt the bogeyman.

You can also find some good stuff in the pantry. Like food.

Q: Where do you normally blog?

A:  On the roof of a car. Isn't that where everyone does it?

This is my ride. I blog on it all the time.

Q: What time do you usually blog?
A: I don't allocate specific times to write, I just do it whenever I want.

Q: How should bloggers deal with haters?

A: With a twelve gauge shotgun.

Q: Do you have any haters?

A: Nope. They're all dead.

Toughest kid at the playground.

Q: What do you think of other bloggers out there?

A: I think that they're...out there. Somewhere.

Q: Why do you write blogs?
A: People like to laugh. People like to be understood. Wouldn't it be great to try and combine both?

Q: Have you ever considered vlogging?
A: Sure. Everything is an option.

It must be fate. I'll get to work on that vlog.

Q: How long does it take you to write a post?

A: Most posts take about a second to write. The rest take two.

But really it's not unusual that writing takes some time. When I publish a post, say on Tuesday, I'll start a few days earlier such as on Sunday. I work in little chunks until I'm happy with the post then publish.

Q: Where do you hope to see your blog in the next five years?
A: Hopefully still on the internet! 

Asian Fashion

Apparently looking like a bear is fashionable.

You know what I don't get?

Fashion.

Maybe it's an Asian thing. An Asian guy thing.

But it's nothing strange. We were wearing samurai armour for the past two thousand years okay, so it's no mystery that when someone says "Yo, check out these Levi's", we'd be pretty interested.

Casual Friday.

I reckon the biggest irony though is how massively Asian fashion has evolved over the past few seconds.

It's always changing. Those who can't keep up are "so three minutes ago".

I try to keep up, but it isn't easy.

I had a haircut the other day and I had a picture on my phone to show the hairdresser so she knew what kind of hairstyle I wanted.

Somehow though the picture was gone and I found myself looking in a magazine for the guy with the hair I wanted.

This was the guy I was looking for.

When I found him, his hair looked totally different.

It didn't make sense.

I had taken the picture on my phone just before I left. Could he really have changed his hairstyle that quickly?

I decided to opt for the new hairstyle anyway. I showed the hairdresser the picture and she spoke some Korean to me which I didn't understand.

I'm guessing she must've said something like: "Let's make you look completely ridiculous" because after she cut my hair, it didn't look anything like the picture from the magazine.

It looked a bit like this.

So I'm trying to converse with this Korean chick over here, but it's proving to be quite the task.

Not even "ni hao ma" works.

I open the magazine and get back to the page I was on. Before I can even point to the picture though, I'm instantly amazed by what I see.

I'm thinking to myself: "Is this some kind of Harry Potter shiz because that guy has my hairstyle! It changed again!"

Then I thought: "How the heck does that work? Is this some sort of Asian voodoo? What kind of supernatural forces are at work here? Are we living in an altered reality? Is there a fourth dimension? Are we really here?"
 

Living the dream?

Whatever.

All I know is that my hair ain't looking the way I want it to.

And I know exactly how to fix it.

So literally out of nowhere, I grab my 7th century samurai armour and put it on. It's a magic bullet.

I'm suddenly K-pop star Taeyang, and my Korean is smoother than the way CaptainSparklez speaks.

'Cause baby tonight, the creeper's trying to steal all your stuff again!

I tell the hairdresser she's got it all wrong and she nods in total agreement.

I tell her to redo my hair and she does. I tell her to get me my jacket and she does. I tell her to make me a sandwich and she doesn't.

She makes me two.

I could've taken her out to watch a lovely sunset if I wanted to, but I'm no playa. I'm just Taeyang in samurai armour, you know?

Being sexy like that doesn't have to be a crime.

Typical?

When it comes to Asian fashion, I'm a fan of the classics. Nothing is cooler.

Not even Taeyang.